Insights
by mancaal
Summary: A look into the mind of three ladies tangled in a complicated relationship. Femslash. Three-shot. Olivia/Alex/Casey.
1. Olivia's POV

Disclaimer: I don't own Law & Order SVU or any of its characters.

This is my third story ever, hope you like it, please R&R.

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OLIVIA'S POV

_There you go, once again going away; you got to stop doing it, every time we get into an argument you just get out, you used to face me about whatever was bothering you, but now you won't listen to me nor my reasons, it seems as if you are always upset; I truly wish things were like before, when we talked to each other, when we were able to trust each other, but all of that is gone now; you were pull out of my life because of a ruthless drug dealer that wanted you dead, and you were "dead" for a long time, when you die my heart also did, I buried my feelings, and I also tried to bury my memories, however I couldn't do it, every single time I closed my eyes you were there, living in my dreams, being my only fantasy and wish; and every night was like that, hoping to fall asleep quick, hoping for my dreams to come and finally see you, hug you and kiss you, and sometimes if my imagination was merciful we would make love; however every morning when the sun light cut through the windows of my apartment it wouldn't only wake me up but it also take me away from you; it was a sick cycle that keep going for months, but one day you came back, and I get high hopes once again, however that lasted only a few days, but the night we got to share together is still unforgettable; feeling your lips kissing every inch of my body, your hands taking me to climax, but they took you away once more, they said your life was still in danger, and it ended as quick as it started; I went back to my usual misery hoping that one day, we would finally be together forever._

_It took years but you came back to me, it was like a fairy tale, we have been split but we overcame all the obstacles and troubles we found in our way to happiness, and I thought it was our "happily ever after" moment; and it was for a long time, but things have changed, and now we stand at odds over everything, I've never meant to be unfair but a lot of times you don't understand all the pressure I got at work, I don't know if you forget what is like to deal with rape victims and molested children, but you complain about my work, about how I care more for the victims than our relationship, and I can't help it, but I think that you're the one being unfair. _

_I know your ambitions, and maybe I don't agree with some of them but at least I respect your feelings about that, I used to tell you about coming out together, not hiding ourselves from the world, but you would always say that it wasn't the right time to do it, I waited a long time for that moment, but I figured that it would just never came, so I stopped waiting for it; once more I respected that, but it all started going backwards, you suddenly got politic ambitions, and it was fine, I still supported you and I still do; however when it came down to me, you complain about me trying to change the world, I know it's not possible, I just want to aid the helpless, but you don't care anymore, you are selfish and jealous, always wanting to impose your will, it used to be our relationship, now it is your relationship._

_We've changed a lot in the last years, however it's sad to realize that we haven't been able to manage that change in the proper way, we used to kiss a lot, and every time we make love it was almost like music, our bodies swaying to the same rhythm, our legs intertwined, our cores meeting, your hands caressing my nipples and mine clinging to the sheets, our moans singing the melody of pleasure, and we_

_would always lay together naked in bed, embracing tightly each other, waiting for exhaustion to come get us; it was like living my dreams, but all that started fading away slowly, and now it seems that our fairy tale is ending different, our chariot has turned into a pumpkin; how we let this happened? I don't know, but I know we started taking the easy way some time ago; we started avoiding discussions and fights, claiming being tired or not having time "work, work, work"; and It actually worked for a time, at morning we kissed, and we wouldn't say anything about our feelings or thoughts, it seemed right not to fight, but now we are finally noticing that it was the indifference that we showed up what is tearing us apart today. _

_You have been the only good thing to ever happened to me, the only person I truly love, maybe we have pushed thing so hard than now they are coming back at us, but we both know that our love means much more than words and touches, it's far beyond the explainable; nevertheless be have let meaningless things interfere; I love my job, it always make me feel that I'm making a difference, but all of that is hollow if you're not there with me, you've been my support for so any years, and even when you weren't here by my side, it was your memory what supported me; and now that we are together all is falling apart, I've been insolent about your job, so many times I've said it's only politics, even when Casey was the squad's attorney we always got into run-ins about her not being competent not making what she was meant to be, and now I've realized that I'm being stubborn again, not with her anymore but with you; bottom line is that we both love our work, but I love you even more than my self-realization and my ambitions, my biggest mistake have been let ill things come between us, we got to stop now, before love turns into hate._

_I see things clearly now, your absence have always make me look for answers, and now I know that I should stop missing all those feelings and moments from the past, but rather build new and better memories, we got to trust each other again, to look each other in the eye, to talk and solve our differences; once we fought to be together and we were successful at that, and it's time to fight again, this time the battle is harder, we are not against the world this time, we are fighting ourselves, our arrogance, but mostly our pride; it surely will be hard, we may win or lose, but God knows I won't quit on you, I love you and that will never change, not today, not tomorrow, not never; I need to apologize and so do you, we deserve one more chance at happiness, it's already time to change again, but this time it got to be the right one._

_You must be heading home right now, alone into the night, I should be taking you home, embracing you, warming you, but I'm sitting alone in my apartment with my face still stinging and my heart aching even more ; I'm still staring at the door you closed some minutes ago, I never say anything but every time you leave and close that door I always fear that perhaps it would be the last time; you're angry at me, and you have every right to, but I promise you it is the last time I hurt you, tomorrow everything will be different, I will change for you, then we would be able to continue our fairy tale, besides I've always like happing endings, even if they are so scarce in my life; it's already late, I won't bother you anymore tonight, I'll wait for you to call me in the morning, you always do. _


	2. Alex's POV

ALEX'S POV

_I'm getting tired of this shit, first were the fights, then was the lack of them, and now is intolerance; I don't know what you think, but I'm already on the edge, between love and suffer, the painful moments slowly surpass the happy ones, I mean I don't want things to be perfect all time, but right now is becoming harmful for both of us; and I don't know if its worthy anymore, I feel that somehow we have lost more in the way than what we have achieved, maybe I'm not thinking sharply, but the truth is that we haven't take the right choices in a long time; tonight was nothing else but a perfect portrait of the relationship, we were barely talking to each other, and suddenly we started yelling at each other, our frustrations, and even our grudges, I mean, is as if we couldn't be together anymore without getting into each other's nerves._

_The lack of care I stared getting from you overwhelmed me, I started feeling alone on a regular basis, afterwards I started thinking that we have a relationship with the phone; the "I love you", the "I miss you", stopped meaning something important, and they just started being words over a phone call and sometimes just words in a text message; I don't deny my responsibility in all this, you once asked me to move together and take our relationship into another realm, get out of the dark ,but I said no, I let my goals come between us, and I regret it, but it's too late now. _

_I've never been one to look at the past, I think that what matters is "here and now", and I don't know when it happened but we stopped trying to make things work a time ago, it's strange 'cause I always thought that we would be together for the rest of our life; however these situations over the last months had pushed me bit by bit away from you, I never intended it to happened, but I ended in someone else's bed._

_There are no excuses for that, but the truth is I never looked for it, it just happened out of nowhere; I just wanted a friend, someone I could trust the same way I trusted you, I wished a wholeheartedly advice from someone who could understand me, and matter of fact I did it, I find that person, a friend I could rely on, and for the first time in a long time I stopped feeling alone; but I found much more than what I was looking for._

_Your voice, your skin, your emerald eyes, all are completely different from hers, and somehow those differences stirred my feelings, being with you is like a break from my reality; I know we don't as in the beginning, but I still appreciate your presence in my life; we have changed kisses instead of words, and caresses instead of support, and finally sex instead of friendship._

_Every time we are finished is when reality strikes, because literally all I can see is your back, I don't know why but you never say something, you don't touch me anymore, and you won't even look at me; I've wanted to ask you many times why, why we are doing this?, why we let this happen?, but mostly I want to ask you what I mean to you? ; However I don't have the courage to do it, I'm afraid of your answers, rather the effect of those answers._

_I'm confused right now, I know it isn't right to do this, you deserve better, but on the other side I don't think we could make things work any longer; however I love you and no matter how many fights we have somehow you always make me feel that we have one last shot, it always make me feel better; but in this precise moment I'm doubting, I'm lying in bed, but not with you Liv, and it's plainly pathetic that I dare to claim that I love you after slapping you and running to my "lover"._

_It has been a long night, I didn't expected to come over to your place again, but it is becoming a rule, a rule I'm not completely sure I like neither dislike, however you always welcome me without asking anything; I like the feeling of comprehension we share every time we are together, I like to think that you talk to me through your kisses and caresses, but above anything else I love the way you looked at me after having sex, it's almost as if your eyes were shouting all those unspoken words, all those repressed emotions; all these have been going for some months, and I think with every day it pass I'm getting deeper and deeper in this spiral of sinfulness._

_I am completely aware that I got to stop as soon as possible, but I'm not sure that I agree with that, I mean if we keep going it will all end badly for the three of us, somewhat we know my place is with Liv, but you keep making me doubt about that with your affairs and affection; and even I've starting doubting if somehow we are sharing something else than pleasure and passion, it makes me shiver to think we are, 'cause things would be different, it's not right to love to persons, and it would definitely end bad._

_Every stroke of your alabastrine skin, every look of you emerald eyes, every note of your sweet moans; are taking me to a rather unexplored place; however when I'm away from you, those same things are the ones haunting me at all time, perhaps its forbidden nature frightens me, but it also appeals to me a lot, it makes me feel alive, the thrill, the adrenaline, it's unexplainable; I don't want to push our "thing" over the hedge, I already committed that same mistake, and it is the one that took me to your side._

_I wish to have the courage to take a decision, to be able to clear my mind and see what is truly important, I know that eventually one of us will grow tired of this ongoing happening, maybe it will end as it started, first were random encounters but now it's like having an actual relationship; I hope you have what it takes to do something about it, because right now I can't even support myself._

_Once again I went out of your place without saying "bye" only a single kiss on your cheek while you were still asleep maybe that's my way of saying "thanks", I didn't even shower, I just wanted to get out of there; but it is always like that, just waiting for sleep to come and claim you so I can get out avoiding any further nuisances that our earlier encounter might have arisen._

_Just as I close the door, reality crashes down at me, suddenly I know what the right thing to do is, but it is the same story over and over again, I know it but I won't do it, I just can't; I'll keep going to her every time we fight, it should stop, the fights, the affair, the secrets; tomorrow seems like a good day to change, I know I'll call you in the morning I always do, but perhaps I'll end up with her by night, I also always do._


	3. Casey's POV

CASEY'S POV

_Things are starting to get out of my hands, I thought I got everything in control, I knew I could manage my feelings pretty well, but at some point it changed, I found myself missing you, your presence, your proximity; we don't share a lot of words when we are together, but the passionate touches and the pleasure whispers started meaning a lot more than words, I never intended it to happen, it was only a good fuck, actually it was a great fuck._

_In the beginning we weren't looking for this, eventually it happened, I became in some sort of booty call and yet I didn't complain, I mean it was detached free sex, and no one at their five sense would bother about it, so I didn't, but you aren't anymore the same person whom I used to fuck with just a few months ago; the point is that I've always been able to be in perfect control of myself, but I wasn't able to hold myself when you kissed me right before leaving my place, I know it was nothing else than a simple kiss on my cheek, I also know you think I was asleep, but the truth is that I wasn't sleeping, well the matter is what that kiss made me feel; it wasn't like the lust filled passionate kisses we share, rather it was short but sweet and honest, and It was that gentleness what touch me, and suddenly everything came downwards for me._

_The sex was much needed and the passion was wonderful, but it wasn't meant to be anything else, it is wrong and we both know it, ever since this started we have known that, however we didn't care about that, and once again it was great, no attachments nor feelings involved; we both have an unspoken agreement but it seems as if it doesn't exist anymore, you broke the boundaries, and I let you do it; you have come to my office and I never complain, you come to my apartment and I let you in, you kissed me and I never said a word, it was never a problem, but that kiss change our little and seemingly harmless game; it helped me realize our biggest mistake, we've been forgetting that this isn't a game of two, we are three playing here._

_I don't blame you for anything; we've gone as far as we had wanted, and even if I'm not longer comfortable about that neither I can't deny my piece of responsibility, however I won't allow this to go any further, it is harming us now, it's turned from meaningless and hollow sex into a constant hassle. I used to think that we were just getting what we need, but I figured that you started compensating something else than physical needs, I never wanted to provide you with any of that, it is not my role and I don't want it to be._

_I am confused right now, but it isn't about you only, it's about her too, your kiss unleash a wave of guilt over me, as I said it was different from everything else we had share, and it's not that I don't care about you, but at least I don't want to share that kind of bond with you, you already belong with someone else; and this guilt grows every time we meet again, and just as you leave, I bath trying to wash it away from me just like I'm doing right now , it's not only that I feel guilty but now I feel dirty too; I'm completely aware that this mustn't be easy for you too, but you are not the one who sees Olivia and feels like a complete traitor and backstabber, you are not the one whom she confides in her problems and feelings regarding you, you are not the one lying to her with stuff like "You should solve your issues guys" or "You've been battling through so much, to let things end like this" or my favorite "I know she loves you, she always will"; thank God I'm a terrific liar, and she always thanks me when she should be shooting at me with her gun, I can't even look her in the eyes anymore, and it isn't worthy to keep all this stupid forbidden love thing going._

_Every morning when I look at my reflection at the mirror I don't recognize myself anymore, I used to be proud of myself, but I've fallen into degradation so fast that I'm ashamed of myself these days, and the truth is that you're not worth the risk of completely losing my faith and hopes in myself._

_You left only moments ago; you kissed me on my cheek just as you've been doing ever since then, and I was awake like I've been ever since then, I heard you closing the door, and I don't know what you think every time you leave my apartment, and I've never care to know nor even ask; but I hope you enjoyed it tonight, because it was the last time._

_I know that stopping this won't make things as they used to be, I still won't be capable of being completely sincere with Liv, but at least I know it is the only right thing I can do now, I should apologize to her, ask for her forgiveness, nonetheless that would do much more damage than benefit, besides I'm too cocky as for begging for pardon; nevertheless I understand and accept my mistakes, I shouldn't have allowed myself to get tangled with you, my best friend's love, you are her only reason for her to keep going every day, you are the world to her; but we didn't stop to think about the outcome of our actions, we never thought of anyone else but us, and deep down I know you'll thank me someday._

_Tonight you closed that door for the last time; you're probably unaware of it, I know you will come back as always, knocking on my door late at night, probably with your eyes swollen by the tears, but this time I won't hug you and take you into my apartment; I know I'll miss you for a while, I mean I already do, but I also miss the time when I wasn't a dastardly liar to Olivia, but what I truly miss is when I could smile at myself in front of the mirror; and God and I know that I will smile at myself again, I always do._


End file.
